A Canadian in Sweden

On gambling

I have had the privilege in my travels to have gone to some fairly nice places, and many of those places have nice or world famous casinos. Naturally, in order to fully experience such a place, one must frequent said casino. Monte Carlo springs immediately to mind. Despite this, I have found that I simply can’t learn to gamble. Sure, I can put coins in a slot and push a button with the best of the grizzled old casino hags, but when it comes to the more exotic forms of gambling, I have some sort of mental block. Craps? No way. Pai Gow? Nope. Even Poker eludes me. Roulette is OK simply because it takes the mental ability of a drunken monkey to plunk chips down randomly on the felt.

In order to learn something, first you must have enough interest to activate whatever brain chemistry it takes to first concentrate on the subject and second to burn the rules into your long term memory. Apparently this is easy for people who believe that their gambling decisions have a strong influence on whether they win or lose. To me, every casino game except roulette looks like an annoying set of rules layered on top of what should be a simple process of taking your money and giving you nothing in return.

Apparently when other people hear the rules of card games they think: "This is how I will become rich. I must pay attention." Whereas my brain just activates the fight or flight response. I don’t know whether to run away or start punching the dealer.

I can’t tell you how many times well-meaning people have described to me the simple steps involved in casino blackjack. It always sounds to me exactly like this:

“It’s easy. If the dealers gets at least (I’m drifting off by now) and you have (Jesus, will this explanation ever stop?) then obviously you would (Is my soul leaving my body? No, phew, it’s just cigarette smoke.) But if you get dealt a (mwuwahah) then you want to double down. That means (Hey, that guy behind you has a funny shirt. I wonder where he got it.) And of course you can always bet on the (Nahnahahnahnah), and that means (I’ll be at the roulette table.)”

I wish I were one of the people who get an adrenaline rush from gambling. But not so much that I’d eventually need to sell the kids to a Thai businessman. There’s an ideal sweet spot for addiction, and I envy those who have it. These lucky people have all the incentive in the world to learn complicated gambling rules. In stark contrast, I get only a modest psychological buzz from roulette, mostly because of the flashy turny thingy and the fast moving marble. But after about a half an hour I start regarding my remaining money as a filthy thing that I must shed as quickly as possible. One way you that can know for sure you’ll never be a professional gambler is if you ever have this thought: I wonder how quickly I can get rid of this last 40 dollars.

posted by Jeff @ 1:27 AM